okay my ICT ended, last friday. and i must say it really wasnt the most pleasant experience at all. i got scolded quite badly by a Major on thursday, for some stuff that i should've known/done. its the classic case of not knowing what u have to know, and getting scolded for it. since my boss was away and i had no upper study, i figured there was no way i could have known i must do this/that. i cant possibly ask everyone every 5 mins "is there something that i must know, or do now?" can i?

oh well. as annoyed and unjust i felt over what had happened the entire week, i was really actually much more exhausted then i thought. both mentally and emotionally. it had drained every ounce of me and i just felt like melting down and disappearing right there in my office. it was really obvious right there that no matter how hard i try, no matter the precautions i took, regardless of going through the whole process in my head, i couldnt do it by myself. it was also really obvious to me on how much have i relied on my own strength, or rather how little have i actually relied on God. it was really kinda sad that throughout the entire week i had never once stopped to wait and seek on God, before rushing to meet the next deadline and to fight the next fire. and now yet here i am getting frustrated over feeling so exhausted and spent.

perhaps there really isnt an element of faith in chasing deadlines and making proposals happen as compared to the way we do ministry back in school, but God it's still another phase of life. a phase where i dont wanna go through it without Your direction and guidance, and certainly not a phase i wanna go through alone. teach me to seek You, help me to rely on You.

i was reliant on myself, but God helped me overcome.

"So now You'll find me on my knees, surrendering,
Cause I know that I'm really not so strong.
And now, I'm done fighting for control,
Lord, You can have this life that I've been holding for so long.

Take me as an offering, I surrender everything.
No more living without You."