okay my ICT ended, last friday. and i must say it really wasnt the most pleasant experience at all. i got scolded quite badly by a Major on thursday, for some stuff that i should've known/done. its the classic case of not knowing what u have to know, and getting scolded for it. since my boss was away and i had no upper study, i figured there was no way i could have known i must do this/that. i cant possibly ask everyone every 5 mins "is there something that i must know, or do now?" can i?

oh well. as annoyed and unjust i felt over what had happened the entire week, i was really actually much more exhausted then i thought. both mentally and emotionally. it had drained every ounce of me and i just felt like melting down and disappearing right there in my office. it was really obvious right there that no matter how hard i try, no matter the precautions i took, regardless of going through the whole process in my head, i couldnt do it by myself. it was also really obvious to me on how much have i relied on my own strength, or rather how little have i actually relied on God. it was really kinda sad that throughout the entire week i had never once stopped to wait and seek on God, before rushing to meet the next deadline and to fight the next fire. and now yet here i am getting frustrated over feeling so exhausted and spent.

perhaps there really isnt an element of faith in chasing deadlines and making proposals happen as compared to the way we do ministry back in school, but God it's still another phase of life. a phase where i dont wanna go through it without Your direction and guidance, and certainly not a phase i wanna go through alone. teach me to seek You, help me to rely on You.

i was reliant on myself, but God helped me overcome.

"So now You'll find me on my knees, surrendering,
Cause I know that I'm really not so strong.
And now, I'm done fighting for control,
Lord, You can have this life that I've been holding for so long.

Take me as an offering, I surrender everything.
No more living without You."

the commoners call it 'shingles', and the cooler kids(like the docs and i) call it 'herpes zoster'. that's the name of the virus that's living in my body right now. it causes rashes over a region of the body and eats away the myelin sheath(remember sec 4 bio, schwann cell?) and causes the exposed neurons to contact one another, kinda like two exposed wires touching each other in a short circuit, to generate these stabs of pain. and since the infection rate ranges from 1.2 to 3.4 cases per 1,000 healthy individuals annually, it feels quite special isnt it? right.

it all started last week when i had this sharp acute pain that came in stabs near my left pubic bone region, which i thought i had some bladder stone or smth like that. then the pain moved to the left rectus abdominis(abs region), which then lead me to think i pulled a muscle or smth like that, and so laid off exercise for a while. the pain was really getting annoying though which then i thought maybe its just gastric.

then yesterday it moved up to my left temple, and left it throbbing all afternoon. it was really getting too biting and so i headed for bed early, thinking im just too stressed over the ICT thats all.

AND THEN, today it moved into my LEFT EAR. gosh i seriously thought my left ear was gonna explode. the entire time about every 5 seconds i did feel a stab of pressure inside my left ear, and then soon enough i started having a partial hearing loss.

yeah anyway im glad i decided to see the doctor, which i was quite reluctant to do so as im still in the middle of this ridiculously busy In-camp training(ict). and apparently those rashes on my left arm and back arent dude to an allergic reaction to the new uniform but due to the herpes zoster virus in my body. the total medical bill came up to $100 though, which kinda left me feeling rather stupid i didnt just see a government doctor for this which i could have gotten the entire fee wavered since im a civil servant. the thing is i didnt really wanna take an mc at least not this week. oh well thank God i still have my sight and hearing, which im told this virus is capable of destroying.

ah anyway, im already more than halfway through this ICT, but with two really busy days ahead. come on friday come quick, im just so very exhausted alr.

sometimes, these bad times and regretful circumstances are just as important as they are unavoidable. its those events that occurs in order to bring about a change in someone, to make someone snap or to jolt one into reality. i guess as we journey through life we see and value the significance behind the pain and hurt caused and how it leads to the person we behold before us, whether or not we agree with his or her actions.

i met my ex tuition teacher today, on my way to dinner(yes someone took forever i gave up waiting). quite a coincidence i suppose since i almost never meet him(he since moved near me) and have dinner alone at 10pm. we went for dinner together, and we had a good time catching up. he was sharing with me on how God saved him from the crosshairs of the twisted game of corruption, that could have fatally landed him in trouble with the law. i must say im really glad for how things turned out for him, and of course happy that he found his way to God and through God. he shared how he finds more freedom and joy in his life now and was glad he stood by his principles.

maybe it wasnt meant to be, or perhaps this time, it was meant not to be.

you know how defeated you are when you stop trying. you're better than the next time and broken promises, and you certainly don't warrant resignations. so don't tell me how murphy's hand spins the wheel of fate, cause you're better than this. the word fate is used by people who lost sight of who they are.

you can never be who you wanna be if you keep looking over your shoulder to what could have been. earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal.