i went for jc service practice today. well okay it was better than i thought it would be, as in, we managed to get things done faster than expected. 6 songs in 3 hrs, quite an accomplishment yeah. esp for a band that neva played together before. stayed up till 3am kinda to practice for it, okay lah as well as hang around online.

and i duno why i was particularly disturbed by an argument i had at home on saturday morning. i was really affected by it, i felt like it totally drained me or wadeva emotional strength i had left. i felt so wasted walking around NYP trying to find the theater of arts. and guys, i didnt mean to be late okay, its just that something happened at home thats all. oh well i think i managed to brighten up my own mood somehow. the day went well i guess, had 6 visitors for service! yeah.

and we were just talking about all the new structure and all, and then matthias asked me a real hard question. a question i seriously didnt know how to answer though i went through it a thousand times in my head. i didnt know how i felt, or rather i didnt wanna know how i felt, nor to make sense of it all at that point in time. don't i feel shortchanged? to tell you the truth sometimes i really feel like perhaps i am. but no, it now seems as though from it learnt so much more about my own walk with God, about my own character and myself. those things that had to go, and those things that were to come, sometimes they dont arrive do they? i remember the pastor of that particular service saying that God doesn't shortchange us, He neva does, and i believe it with all my heart. But i recall vividly how i grappled with that fact in my heart that day. it certainly didnt make sense to me, nor did my emotions.

and it was during that period in time too that i felt really spiritually down, washed out. jaded in my innermost. i recall how things weren't going so well at home too, and there was that big big miscommunication thingy in school between certain people which trapped me in that oh so tiring and complicated situation to handle. i felt really low, so low i felt like shutting myself and taking a break out of everything just to try to get my life back on track. then i will never forget how gideon went to meet me saying he felt like he just had to talk to me, and on that very same day jontay felt like he needed to meet me too and he so happened to bump into gideon who confirmed his compulsion. and i will neva forget the exact words he said to me when he saw me, he said at that point in time he knew one thing for sure, "that God loves me alot." sure as trite and cliche it may sound, it meant a whole lot to me at that point in time.

and as i was thinking through all these i got reminded of how on my 17th birthday i prayed for God to grow me, esp in that particular area. and i see how all these fit in now. sure to be honest with you i dont see how everything pays off now, but one thing for sure, i seen how God grew me in that area. i asked God to grow me in maturity. and well i must say He did do His part on that! haha oh well.

anyway, i would be off to bangkok almost this entire week. be back on late 29th nov. maybe, just maybe its time to take a long overdued break.