been a good tiring long 4 days. parents were off overseas on sat, bro was staying over at friend's place and sis was at my grandma's house. so i guess i had the whole house to myself these 4 days.

luke, martin and kaiwen came to stay over at my place on sat. then we walked over to prata house and thomson plaza the next day, then went over to kaiwen's house to practice for 'bring it on' concert for auditions on this coming friday. went over to Gideon's place that night.

went for Xmen 3 on monday morning, and went over to kaiwen's house again for more practicing, before Gideon came over to my place.

and so, kahfai came over this morning to catch Final Destination 2, before i headed out to serangoon to officially jam for the first time. i guess its real loud lah, as in the drums and all.

came back so that my bro could come home. guess its good to spend some individual time with him before my parents come back today. watched some tom yum goong show with him.

and after that, was when we watched Saving Private Ryan. the last time i saw the film was back in pri sch, and i remember how we were all going crazy in the student care center when we heard there was this gory war film that came out in the theaters, and how we planned to sneak in and watch it and all. in the end i had to watch it at some plasma tv display set where they were playing the show, uncensored! so it kinda was my first M18 show.

the show kind of took me by surprise. i didnt know it's such a personal and intimate show, as in its a show that really speaks into us. so much sincere realism it brings about life. it showed me how real wars are, and how fragile life is. friendships, family ties and all. admist all that, is what the show was really trying to tell us. the film seems to buries itself in your conscience, pulling at your soul. and forces you to sit down and contemplate the true meaning of sacrifice and appreciate what we have.

i like the way the show ends, by questioning us, on whether we are living the best life we could. ay its a real sincere and honest film lah. do catch it if u could, or u could just borrow the dvd from me! oh well. loads of stuff are coming up.

and admist everything that was going on, admist what seemed like an impossible puzzle to solve, God made a way. i duno i kinda looks funny when i look back at it. i would say the whole thing started out on wednesday.

well actually i guess without knowing it, i had been pushing my body over the limit. as in spiritually and physically. i was practically too exhausted during the 1 and a half hour of chemistry tutorial on wednesday morning, i guess oweing largely to the MI3 i watched on tuesday from the 3rd row in front. totally used up whatever energy i had left man.

so i kinda dragged myself through the day, and had this compulsory council meeting which i was kinda reluctant to go cause i was really really really really tired. went anyway, and then the teacher said that some of the nominees werent able to make it to the meeting, but should be responsible and called her personally to tell her. makes sense. then she said if, and should if anyone of us decide to pull out at this point of time, the only responsible thing to do is to go apologise to the whole house and ask them not to vote for you. makes sense make sense. i think its the only fair thing to do lah. and i thought i would do just that.

went down with the other hose council nominees to home academy to watch the rugby finals vs RJC. and katie pass me the sa flag and then i realised why she did that. flag bearing is so not easy lah. i realised its an art to wave a flag. haha and against all odds, sajc won rjc in the finals, with a score of 15-10. i tell you its such a great experience for the whole school. and seeing the whole school rush to the pitch and singing the school song was an awesome sight to behold. talk about sch spirit man. was real tired, real exhausted after all the cheering and jumping and shouting and whatever.

then i went down to serangoon, for soccer with tahyuen kokwee davin and weilun. was having second thoughts too lah, but then guess it has been such a very long time since we all played streetsoccer together. played barefooted again cause i didnt have the proper shoes. so yeah. the 2 over hrs left both the sole of my feet completely ruined. it's like what old worn and torn tires would look like from overuse. i felt dead tired okay. and then, there's this champion's league final going on at 2.30am.

was too exhausted to wake up at 2.30am. i kinda told my mom that if i were to watch the match i would have to be late for sch tml cause i needed to catch up on my sleep, and being real nice she agreed. well looks like i was too tired to even wake up for the match and slept till real late. when i woke up it was around 11.15am. ah like almost 4 hrs late for school. i felt kinda light-headed when i woke up. like was hovering around. didnt feel good at all lah basically. but really really did want to go watch the semi finals of sajc vs vjc. so went to sch nonetheless.

okay here's the interesting part.

i took some bus with a whole lot of saints to ccab. then upon alighting, alvin from another class, fell into this drain outside the bus. he fell real real badly. he broke his right arm at an akward angle and tore his pants and all. its like he used his left hand to hold down on the wound, and beyond that, it looked like it was blood-deprived. it's like his whole arm downwards from that broken bone was a dead limb. and it was kinda gross lah. then katie called for the ambulance. okay.

when the ambulance finally came, i kinda felt that same very feeling i had last december after church camp. i felt like my blood isnt sendning any oxygen to my head. i knew what i had to do, i knew i needed to get oxygen to my head, so i tried bending down, but it didnt go away. it seemed all like a dream okay, and then i found myself putting my hand on yonghui for support, and the next thing i knew, i was subconciously trying to keep my balance. i recall myself stumbling from left to right, then i blacked-out. i could faintly here hooper shouting "he wasnt feeling so well in the morning." i felt some people helping me lie down on the floor. my mind was in a complete whirl, i couldn't focus on even my vision. and then felt the paramedics put the oxygen mask on me, another one pricking my right index finger to take my blood test, and another attaching some pulse reader thingy to my left index finger. oh now i recall, the paramedic asked me to hold onto the cotton to stop my bleeding from my finger lah. amazing i recall being able to comprehend that. then i heard some pe teacher on my right shouting "talk to me". i tried to get up but realised i cant, tried to move but to no avail. then they got me on the stretcher and brought me into the ambulance, and i heard katie shouting something like, "get well soon shawn" as i was brought into the ambulance. it's so strange u know, its really like those drama tv shows, like when u get pushed into the ambulance and all. yeah its my first time in an actual ambulance. and i didnt know that alvin was in the ambulance till the paramedics inside asked him for an identification card. like oh, the ambulance is for him not for me.

they brought me into the critical and emergency ward. and low and behold, do u know that u have to queue in the emergency ward? its like, wah! i kinda felt i as a waste of space and felt as thought i was well enough to go home. but its a whole new experience for me. i saw much in the emergency ward. i met his indian lady who was beaten up by her husband with a walking stick. an indian mental patient who looked at me and said, "if singapore were to have a tsunami, you all will die!" this boy who was sliding tackled by his friend with both legs(thats a foul) and broke his right leg into two. another boy who kinda had difficulty breathing for wadeva reason while playing soccer. and a WHOLE lot of beds of old and sick patients with some kinda of illness or whatsoever.

it felt strange, like we were arranged in orderly fashion in the middle of the emergency ward, waiting for avaliable rooms. i sort of briefly glanced around, i saw many faces staring back at me. maybe cause i was one of the youngest. but many of these patients were real olderly people, and i tell you they looked all alone. yes you would feel all alone admist all that chaos and confusion. but i felt it was kinda sad that you know some of these people would probably have like a couple of hours more to live, and then they sorta feel alone and stuff. it made me see how fragile life is. but i guess the doctors did a good job. english, chinese, dialect, tamil, all sorts of languages they spoke, to communicate and talk to the patients. it was a warm sight to see lah, the doctors putting a smile on their faces. sometimes all one needs is a listening ear am i not right? then i saw my mom running in, looking as though she was in real shock. haha im fine lah. just overworked i suppose.

the doctors did some test for me. blood test, some heart test, ECG they call it, hope i got that right. they sticked this electric impulses all around my chest, both hands and feet, and got my heartbeat down.then they brought me to the observation ward to keep me under observation.

then at the observation ward i met this old man who felt real uncomfortable and desperately called out for his wife. he then went to the dustbin there and pee-ed inside it. like gosh dude there's a toilet. oh well. oh and the doctor came and did a internal bleeding test on me. i aint gonna tell u how he did that cause its kinda gross. haha i asked him if he always do that and he smiled and said about 3-4 times a day. ah yuck man. okay then miss ho and my mom came to visit me. then minqi, abbas, david and kahfai. like ah dont make it so grand please! haha when i walked out i saw that almost half the class was there and i guess we were making quite abit of noice. real nice to see them. thank you guys, those who came down! miss lee, mr peh, was there at the hospital too. and i realised that charlene decided to keep this piece of bread for me. haha like i wasnt having a good appetite lah so yeah.

that night i decided to call the teacher in charge of sc to tell her that i might not be able to attend the council elections on friday(which is today). and she then asked me if i still wanna run for council. i thought i might as well tell her that i wanted to pull out. yup i apologised to her and all and she said she was rather annoyed. she then called back to tell me she isnt annoyed that i cant make it to sch today but annoyed that i want to pull out at this stage.

SO i decided it would be best, and responsible if i called her back and tell her why im having second doubts about student council. i told her everything, on how i felt that if i cant give my 100% then there's no point serving too. might as well let someone else who can take up the opportunity. i apologised and recognised that i knew that its unfair to the other council nominees at this point in time if i pulled out. told her to go ahead with, "shawn is on medical leave today. please do not vote for him because he is not prepared to take up the commitments of council."

and so, i guess this is how it all ends. learnt lots from this experience, and once again i learnt more things about myself. on how its about making important decision, but this time with more maturity and peace. guess God cleaned up the mess i made somehow. haha oh well.

all the best for council results on monday!

yes i know im indecisive. but i guess this time i make my own decision, i guess this time i decided. you know the last time i was face with such a tough decision was about 2-3 months ago, on whether i should stay on in sajc, or move to ajc. a real stressful time that was, and i guess i decided to stay in sajc after much much much consideration. see here's where i suck at. making decisions, esp those major ones.

i had been deciding over the past few days. and i finally make my decision today. you may have been one of those who came and ask me why i aint campaigning, why i aint doing anything. im not lazy okay, im not arrogant okay. i just want to be sure of what im doing and why im doing things. yes, im deciding to not push for council anymore. yeah i know, its a stupid decision, its a dumb choice to make, especially in this stage of the council elections. but do hear me out before u pass any judgements.

i guess the main reason for me wanting to withdraw from council is due to commitments sake. i thought it through, what gideon discussed with me, what matthias told me, and what everyone else said. and yes, i did choose to serve as a cell leader in church, and im not regretting this decision. and so yes, there are things that i certainly have to sacrifice, and one of those things is time. and in this case, council. yeah, if i werent a cell leader i guess i would have gone ahead with council. and i dont make this decision out of a spark of passion or sorts, i know where my conviction lies in. and i guess i see more value in serving God over just serving the school. and also, i seriously doubt i can cope with my studies, family, God, personal life, council(should i join) and all, especially since i got ultra bad time management. gotta excel in them too yeah.

it isnt an easy decision to make, and i know the implications that comes with it. i know its more than just fore-going what might be a good testimonial, what might be a once in a lifetime experience, and what would be strong friendships that could be cast. i know it's gonna be unfair for those who wanted to get into council but didnt get pass interview, and i apologise for that. and i know very well it's gonna invite remarks like its cowardice, and im just saying all these in case i do not get in. but if it's one thing that i learnt during this growing stage, it would be to place God above anything and everything else, and above self.


"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." - Matthew 6:33


yup and i needed somehow tell my parents about my decision to quit council. okay maybe not, i just probably tell them i didnt get pass the voting round. they dont really want me to spend so much time with regards to church activities, much less serve the church, and choose it over council.

i just pray that it's the best choice. i just pray that it's the right choice. to be fair to the others i shant say not to vote for me in my speech. guess i would give the platform speech a miss too if possible. yeah and i guess i would apologise to the class and explain my decision, and ask them not to vote for me, hopefully they would understand la. ah honestly im rather afraid of this decision, aint know what's in store for me.

choices choices.

okay just to update everyone on what's happening lately. today's the first day of council campaigning. we were told to hand in this biograph of ourselves to be put up at the notice board at the student's corner to let the school see who the council nominees were. and i realised that my biograph was so plain as compared to the rest! it was just, a photo and black ink.. ah like should have got someone to help me decorate it or something. oh well.

oh yeah. as i said, campaigning starts today. didnt have much time to do much yet. so yup, we'll see how lah. and im supposed to make this speech at the cafe at 11.15am next thursday, yeah got that to settle as well.

went to gideon's house after sch. eh his 6-month old niece is super adorable lah, and so attention seeking as well. it's like when we ignore her she starts wailing. it really did remind me of my sis a few years back. ah those were the days. like how people puts it, the presence of a child really seems to have the power to bring out the inner child in us.

oh yeah, so we talked bout stuff. talked bout everything that's going on. and i kinda learnt quite abit of myself. another chapter of self-discovery i guess. and i know where i gotta improve, where i gotta change. i know how i want to reach another level of communication with God, baring my soul before Him. to desire, is to make that decision to pursue God in our hearts, and not at all about a feeling. oh how it's so true, only He can satisfy. i think my blog song makes so much sense to my life at this point of time, growing and maturing stage i guess.

i went home and slept a while, and woke up to find how God puts me to the test once again. i realised that my computer had no internet connection, and i realised it's cause my dad took away the WHOLE modem to place it on his computer. you know how it sucks, when people just do things that affects your life, without asking, much less telling you? and how it turns so miserable when they expect you to realise that they are doing the "right" thing. he says his computer gives him problems recently, and its all due to the modem being where it originally was, in the middle of the walkway so that the whole house has access to it. and this happens unfortunately after like, 6 over years!? he and i knows its just cause he wants a stronger internet connection. its like he has to have the best if he cans. and now he wants me to shift my com into the room, so that all "problems" can be solved. i felt my blood boil okay, and i just stood there as he "corrected" me. i knew jollywell to keep quiet, and i must say im kinda proud of myself not even answering back. yes, What Would Jesus Do? looking at things, i think its just msn, music, internet and all that i have to forego if he wants things his way.

it was a real long day in school, with sch ending with PE like about 4.30pm. had captain's ball against 06S15, and well i guess everyone enjoyed themselves.

met martin and melcher at cityhall after that, to go bag shopping. apparently i saw this bag davin had which looked real cool when he carried it. haha. problem is, it isnt really a school bag. okay its more like a traveller's luggage bag, and it cost $59!! okay its totally a want, not a need. and i kinda used the remaining $50 from the red packet my aunt gave me for my results to pay for the bag, and topped up the rest. yeah she said to go get something i wanted so yup.

went to burger king to slack abit while i made up my mind on the bag. used martin's laptop to scroll through the old photos of our cg, camp, etc. gosh time really flies and i mean it. once when we were that phase in our lives, and now we are like all here.

well im like real indecisive okay. walked around and walked around before finally deciding that i should get the bag. ah i guess i just cant make up my mind. subconciously i know that i want the bag, but then i needed convince myself that i really want to!

okay so i finally got the bag, and we strolled down citylink. melcher had this bio molecules test tml that he had to study for, so he was heading back home early i guess.

as then we started talking, i started sharing. you know i seriously do feel that ever since i entered JC, started the year 2006, my spiritual life has been staggering, and many a times, downwards. i feel that, i know that i have lost that level of passion and hunger, that child-like faith that i had as compared to last year. im real tired and drained trying to climb up to that height again, it almost seems like its impossible to reach. i want to be there again. i want to be able to share the Gospel with such conviction and faith. i want to do it without even feeling a hint of any other attitude besides love. Sure, i do know that God is near, i do know that God invites me into His presence. But tell me, how near am i to God right at this moment? Draw me closer to You O Lord.

i really miss the days i had last year, where there was someone in the school to turn to for spiritual input and support. i had melcher and i guess to a certain extend michael to talk to in class. like when you are feeling down and out, u just need someone in your school to give u that dose of spiritual strength and support. it's not so much about spiritual guidance or opinion, its just that assurance and understanding that someone knows your through and through is there for you. sure there are sa peeps form hope, but time table doesnt permit much interaction ya see. so its like, its such a tiring process really. to think that i was in JC group since last year, and when its finally my turn to play on the pitch, i aint as ready for it. it's really so much different ya know, to have someone to turn to in school.

so we shared about how we felt in our different schools, different environments, and shared about how we felt about our spiritual lives too. i realised that we all aint really doing as well spiritually, compared to last year. Don't you die on me brother. i feel so stagnant. apart of me is crying out for a breakthrough, the other half is questioning the ways about doing it. this got to change!! yes it shall, i duno how but im gonna keep believeing that God has so much more install for us.

went to the shelter near my house with martin to share more, and played guitar and stuff. okay, not much happened till this police car with flashing lights came driving down the very same lane as the last time we got "stopped". well but this time, they got out of the car and came walking towards us. they asks us for our IDs and all, but left my wallet at home earlier so had to write down my particulars for them on a piece of paper. they took our phones and checked the serial number, and tallied it with their database, probably to see if they were stolen phones. then used our IC to check if we were some black-listed juvenile delinquents or something.

But i kinda had a good time chatting with them. realised that they do patrol my neighbourhood like, i guess every night. they said it was alright for us to stay out late, even after midnight, like since we lived nearby and stuff. kinda close one eye for us i guess. and kinda joked that i call them if i see anything suspicious. sheesh they had to continue their rounds lah or else we probably would love to have them join us. like the more the merrier man. haha oh well.

Friday, waited 3 and a half hours for my council interview, and as expected, it wasnt easy at all. entered the room to find two mentos sweets, on my chair. Yes, they were testing to see your first reaction towards it. then there were a couple of tricky questions here and there, and they made me shout a SA cheer from across the block as loud as i could! gosh man. to be honest, i seriously forgot my SA cheer.. the only think i remembered was the actions of some cheer. well thank God it all came into place in time man.

on sunday, i woke up late.. AGAIN. ah so had to cab down to serangoon, and then took a bus down to mjc. had a soccer match at mjc with my sec sch, against the graduated cluster or ngee ann sec. guess we were all off form after so long, and lost all the coordination we once had. and for me, its been like a 4 whole months since i had played a proper full field match, if you dont count trials and the recent match with some other team. oh well. i guess IF i do make it into council i might not even bother bout soccer trials anymore.

went out with davin, melcher and michael after that. watched "when a stranger calls". not the best of shows with the best story lines, but the lead actress, camilla belle was stunningly pretty! like gosh man, epitome of perfection. HAHA. well the ending kinda sucked lah. then we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves walking across town, trying to find the best place to have dinner, and i was dressed in saints PE shorts lah. ended up settling at Thai Express at paragon, which totally drained all our expenses. saw colleen and her family there too, then we walked and talked and home we come.

OH. our church gave us the 40 day precamp devotional booklet. read it just now, the church committee seriously placed lots of effort in it i tell ya. all ready for church camp alright.