so i thought i had the answer, i thought i knew the way out. i thought i had everything under control, and that things would be like they were once before. it felt like a spiritual confusion. yeah i felt kinda lost in the spiritual world. then it seemed to ponder on mind, how could this happen to me? if i cant even lead myself effectively to God, then how can i lead others to Him?

so i figured the issue lies in me. i thought there were ways that i needed to change. certainly changing, becoming more biblical, draws me closer to God eh? after all God favours those who reframe from sin, and those who seek to become more like Jesus. so areas in my life i try so hard to change, sadly to say that it felt like i was doing it on my own, on my own effort. guys, believe me when i say, to change your life by your own will is just so tough.

so i cried out to God, knowing all these while it's an area that He's growing me. it's a time of learning, a time of stretching myself. God help me!

then the answer came yesterday. yesterday when i skipped math tutorial and went to the library, and when He answered me through His words from a book. the problem, the problem was that of compromise. areas of my life, i compromise, i give in, telling myself it's okay, it's fine. see the destruction it leads to? think about it, does the thief gets caught the first time he steals? chances are very likely that he doesnt. then he compromises, from candy-canes to shoplifting. then they get caught. then the consequences set in. the issue of compromising, the consequences of compromising. the devil does it in such a way u get to enjoy that instant sense of gratitude the first time u succeed, and then u just do it again.

no, i didnt steal. im just explaining the logic behind it lah deh.

couldn't i see? that i was doing it all wrongly. couldn't i see? that the answer had been such a simple one. we dont change our lives to get closer to God. a consistent and strong relationship with God, is what changes you. not physical changes, but changes from the inside out. ah you see, the answer is one that we know all along, is one that i knew all along. it is like just, having that childlike faith to look at things once again. change out of love for God.

feel there's certain areas in your life that u so desperately wanna change? i understand how it feels like dude. the answer doesnt lie in you, it lies in Jesus Christ.

Easter arrives again.

And things are gonna change.

spiritually well. physically, exhausted.

it all started with the GP project that i had to present on thursday, so stayed till bout 2am on thursday morning to complete it, and thankfully by God's grace everything turned out well and mr foo said we had set the standard.

went over to matthias house to stay over at around 12am on friday morning, together with gideon, so as to proceed to metamorphosis concert later on on Good Friday. supposed to be some shepherding stuff too.

ah sleepy. im so very sleepy.

anyway, slacked around and played with sassy till about 3.30 in the morning. and i realised that i so cant sleep without a bolster!! and the aircon wasnt really helping much. i had a real bad flu and the only position i can sleep without a bolster is flat on my tummy. but then it would invite the mucus to just flow out. ah madness! finally slept ard 5.30am.

and then we all got up at 8+ cause the cleaner was there to clean up the room. okay basically its the spark of such a long and tiring day. got down to metamorphosis at church, which was a new believer's retention party thingy.

you know what? on this very Good Friday, its exactly one year after i got Holy Spirit baptised. yeah time flies man. anyway, real glad to have norman and joel Holy Spirit baptised today. you know as i was praying for them(i had to shout to be heard over the music and my flu), i felt so exhausted and drained i could have just collapsed then and sleep sleep sleep yeah. i was really really very physically worn out.

AND i had promised my mom that i would appear for my cousin's 21st birthday party later on in the evening. honestly, i was on the verge of telling my mom to forget about me going, and didnt really wanna think about how that would make her piss or something. yeah oh well, i did promise her. so i went over to serangoon area for my cousin's birthday party.

so HERE I AM. blogging without even knowing what im typing. oh well, expect the unexpected for easter service tml. hear the sound of revival. oh! and we are gonna to have a CL retreat tml after service at sentosa, of all days!!


I'd always known, in one place in my throat, how Jesus must have cried in the garden—crying not to die, because there was no fear of death, and not to leave his friends, because he walked alone, and not to suffer, because the blood and bruises and thorns were part of his perfection—but crying because he could not find his Father's face, because when he would suffer all that he could bear, the pain of every person, living and dead, in that dark moment, there was really nobody there.
Paul Shepherd, More Like Not Running Away: A Novel



Happy Easter guys!!

didnt do much today, except that i had to go for Ching Ming at the Christian cemetry.

went over the my grandma's tombstone. my aunt and other uncle wasnt there today, for they had been there last week. so my uncle chaired the event, if you would call it that way. then there's this part where he told me, my bro, and my cousin to say a short prayer. so i went first. honestly speaking i had no idea what to pray for except to thank God for this time where we can come together and to bless the family and all. for in my heart it was like, "God i pray against a stubborn heart, i pray that You would open their hearts, let them hear Your voice. call them back to a Church." but then again i couldnt pray that as it would kinda shame them infront of my relatives. ah u know, complicated stuff. oh well. so i just ended there.

then we went over to my granddad's side, and my uncle asked us if there was anything we would like to add. then it seemed that everyone went except my mom. so my uncle asked my mom whether she would like to add anything, well obviously she cant say no cause it did be impolite, and i didnt see how she was gonna conjure up a prayer too, for i dont think she ever did before. so i was like kinda want to see whats gonna happen. and u know what she did? she convinently said, "shawn can pray for me." as in pray on her behalf. she said that without hesistation lah. okay im not trying to dishonour her here. i just thought that it did send to her the signal and reminder of how far she is from God now. oh well. okay so i did anyway.

and guess what? in the car my bro went, "eh shawn i think i might wanna join your church." haha oh well. i didnt wanna say much as i know my parents would have another say. well anyway, knowing God is your own personal decision, not something your parents or anyone else can make for you!

met up with martin, kaiwen and luke at my house area at around 10pm. went to 'shawn's shelter' to like fellowship and stuff. talked bout lots of stuff, haha like some mini brothers night. think we got quite carried away talking, when we noticed this police car with its lights flashing and all drove past us rather slowly. and we sorta realised that it was close to 12pm, way after the 11pm curfew thingy. and wise enough, we did not scatter and run off, for that did only invite them to chase us and stuff. so when they turned outta sight we went home. AND this time, they drove up right next to us when we were talking on the pathway. the police car stopped and the police people inside were like staring at us. i think we looked kinda decent to be termed hooligans so i guess they let us go. ah anyway. yes i just realised i have GP, Chem tutorial, econs, and PI to hand up. shucks lah.

oh well. thats all.

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

im so so sorry i left this blog empty for such a long time. well i had been really really busy so like hadnt had much time at all to even blog. the whole passion project had came to an end on 1 April.

im really stretched, in a good way. as in i learnt stuff about myself that i neva knew through this project, and is really inspired by what my guys are doing or had done in outreaching. all in all, the strength of our church's youth group grew from 606 to 689, with 185 converts. real motivated and touched by the sincere love and momentum of outreaching the whole church had adopted in this passion month project.

we had our celebration at 7.30pm at nexus. celebration for the whole church. then time was allocated for individuals to share how their group had grown during this project, and how they had grown individually as well. yes there are tears, but not tears of sorrow. those were tears of gratefulness, tears of joy, tears of thanksgiving. glad that our northeast jc group hit our service attendance goal, but not as much converts. well there's two sajc converts though, from the sisters side.

Oh i remember this guy from NS group who shared Christ to a whole table full of commandos. he literally climbed up on the table and started to share Christ. he was then held by the head of commandos, who had every right to give him the due punishment for doing that, serving term in jail. THANK GOD. the head of commandos is a Christian as well, so he was like let off just staying back during the weekends. i really do admire the bravery of such people who are willing to stand up for Christ regardless of situation, and have to really deny themself in the process.

God is moving. He really is, just open your ears and listen to His footsteps. the celebration praise was really passionate and convicted. it was really church camp quality, and it certainly did feel like heaven quality.

OH and i became a GRAND-SHEPHERD on saturday. out of the the two non believers my sheep kaiwen brought, both converted! ah how faithful is God? like he finally has his own sheep, great time to grow i tell ya. so proud of him really.

went with Gideon today for some seminar conducted by hope center on anger management, to these bunch of 'high risk kids', if thats what u call em. like they had a higher tendency of smoking, taking drugs, and u name it. basically i was there as an observer and in some sense, a helper. yeah those kids really do come from different walks of life, some of whom doesnt even have a computer at home.

i got a chance to speak and interact with a couple of them. learnt that they really had issues in their lives, like getting into fights and stuff. and mind you, they are of such a young age. at least younger than me. it really broaden my perspective on life, and i learnt how to relate to them as a friend as best as possible.

okay im making my post as brief as possible cause i got some stuff to settle after this. yeah, we had our last last final, easter week parade practice today. things really are coming to a close. as in all the months and hours of practice and all, it all boils down to this very week. Easter week.

we had some difficulties and problems along the practice today. the teacher in charge came and told us that we cant use eric and yanyi cause they werent from sajc anymore and there would be problems and complications were something to happen to them while they performed. and also something bout the shoulder sit stuff. ah it was really a stressful period. it was a mess lah basically. cause if we scrape the shoulder sit and remove both yanyi and eric, it would be like, might as well just scrape the whole parade lah.

had quite a talk with the teachers, and by God's will and grace, everything went smoothly except with the performance schedule timetable. and i guess we ended off at around 10. with a closure and debrief, and a round of affirmation. yes indeed, i did learn things about myself through this parade, and i guess its a success in itself, in the sense that i believe many had grown while serving God in this area. yup, thank God for everything.

okay i shall end off right here and get back to you guys real soon, i promise!